1 review for Strike Anywhere Match Box

1. 

   Rated 5 out of 5

   awesome.sloth82 – August 24, 2022

   I bought these on a whim in spite of myself since, after all, like any sane man possessed of a rational mind I found the claim of “Strike anywhere” to be quite dubious. “Strike anywhere? Bah! We shall see!”, said I.

   A flash of doubt flickered through the back of my mind. After all, what need have I of common matches? I am the owner of several elaborate lighters, each one a marvel of modern engineering! Each one a monument to American manufacturing ingenuity! But my curiosity at this point had to sated. Thus consumed with my mission, I set about testing the perfidious claims of these match manufacturers (Nay! Snake oil salesmen, surely,
   if such a thing ever existed!) under all possible conditions to see if their fantastical claims of “Strike Anywhere” held true; chomping at the bit to find any trace of malfeasance or chicanery being played upon me: the common consumer who had no choice but to trust in the so-called ‘experts’ in the field of disposable tools of combustion.

   But how to proceed? I prevailed upon the scientific method. I concocted a stringent series of nigh-insurmountable tests. “Strike anywhere, indeed!” said I, with a self-satisfied chuckle. Little did I know what revelations would soon shatter my very concept of reality, what observations would soon upturn every preconceived notion I had of what was possible; and little did I know what uncanny wonders the imagination of man hath wrought from the ether and inflicted upon the tangible world.

   The tests began. I sequestered myself, and refused to bathe or change my clothes for weeks in order to eliminate any possible variables, at the very peril of my marriage, for such was my devotion to science. My so-called “superiors” at the convenience store where I was employed relieved me of my duties; my peers deserted me, cursing me for a madman. No matter. Like a man possessed, I travelled the world and studied the ancient martial arts in search of secret techniques that would allow me to hold my breath for inhuman durations simply to minimize the possibility any outside interference upon my tests, I kept exhaustively detailed notes on each and every match struck (again, under conditions as controlled as could be). My results? MY RESULTS!? Oh! I’m quite certain you would be interested in them, wouldn’t you? Well, here you are, although I cannot guarantee that the uneducated will fully comprehend:

   Here or there?

   Check.

   In a house?

   Check.

   With a mouse?

   Check.

   In a box?

   Check.

   With a fox?

   Check.

   In a car?

   Check.

   In a tree?

   Check.

   In the dark?

   Check.

   In the rain?

   Check.

   With a goat?

   Check.

   On a boat?

   Check.

   I am astounded. Vexed, even. The matches, in defiance of any known laws of nature, met every challenge with easy success and steady flames. After the most rigorous testing the human mind could devise, I am left no choice but to award them five stars. Stunning. I’m going to have a smoke and then I believe I’ll lie down for a while and attempt to contemplate the meaning of all this.